To Read or Not to Read

Alright. So, I go to bookstores as often as I can, which isn't very often.  When I do get there, this makes me slightly stir crazy and I'm seized with a sudden urge to buy every book in the entire store even if this would put my entire family in serious debt.

Since that would be a bad thing, there's something I've started doing.  It's really quick and easy and it usually makes the stack in my hands go from about fifty to no more than, oh, twenty.

A rating system.

Here's how it goes, essentially:

First, the book cover.


I know, I know.  "Don't judge a book by its cover" and all that.  I'm sorry, but that is the first thing that catches my attention and I enjoy having pretty covers on my shelf.

1
I could've made that with Picnik.


2
Ehhh.


3
Hmm . . . kinda pretty.


4
Now THAT would look nice on my shelf.


5
OH DEAR LORD WHAT IS THIS BEAUTY IN MY HANDS? IT MUST BE MINE.




Second, the summary.

Covers are fabulous at catching my attention, but now I need something to hold it, something to scream at me that this is worth reading.

1
I could find this shit online.


2
Next time, publishers, please try just a little bit harder.


3
This might be okay.


4
Pretty interesting.  -strokes chin-


5
OH DEAR LORD WHAT IS THIS MASTERPIECE IN MY HANDS? IT MUST BE MINE.


Third, the first excerpt.

So I've got the cover, I know the general idea.  Now I want to see what the author is like in action.

1
. . . -gingerly closes novel-


2
Next time, editors, please try just a little bit harder.


3
Not perfect, but . . . -flips page-


4
This person may possibly have a lot of talent.


5
OH DEAR LORD HOW HAVE I NOT HEARD OF THEM AND READ ALL OF THEIR BOOKS AND FOLLOWED ALL OF THEIR BLOGS AND ARE THERE MORE AND CAN I KEEP READING?


Fourth, the second excerpt.

We all know that some books have a couple really awesome parts and then the rest just . . . falls flat. It's like a movie trailer, taking all the best moments when in reality it might be boring as hell.  So I try it again. Flip to a new page.

1
Someone tell me why I'm still reading this.


2
Whether or not the author is okay, I am going to murder this editor in their sleep.  


3
I am still reading this, so it must not be too mind-numbingly horrible.


4
I could buy this.


5
OH DEAR LORD THIS MUST BE MINE NOW I SAID NOW AS IN NOW.


Fifth, the author bio.


Some of you might look at me a little funny for these next two. But I have found that if something has a really cool and funny/in-depth/interesting author bio it very rarely sucks, and vice versa. Try it. Be amazed.

1
Insert Name is well known for their sexy Trilogy of Sexiness, has interests, and is too busy to write anything else.


2
Insert Name is well known for their successful and heart-wrenching Awesome Novel of Awesomeness and apparently has no interests and no face.


3
Insert Name has a sexy picture and many sophisticated interests that you are clearly too mundane to understand. But they have interests! And a family! And they exist!


4
Insert Name is clearly trying very hard to do something besides advertise themselves and their sexiness and will probably get it right with a few more tries. Good effort.


5
OH DEAR LORD I MUST MEET THIS PERSON NOW AND WE MUST BE BEST FRIENDS AND HOLY HELL AUTHORS ARE REAL PEOPLE I WAS NEVER AWARE OF THIS BEFORE.


Finally, the Acknowledgments.

Like I said, you're probably looking at me funny. I mean, Acknowledgments? Who reads those?
The answer is, well, me.  And similarly to the author bio, I've found that those books where I actually ENJOY reading the Acknowledgments are typically books where I enjoy reading the novel itself.

1
My publisher said to write Acknowledgments.
Thank you Mom and Dad and Booboo and Insert Name Agent.  You are all wonderful people.
THE END.


2
Thanks. To my family. And my agent. And my publishers. And other people.  I am in your debt and love you all.
THE END.


3
Thank you to everyone who helped in the making of this novel even though I will name none of you.  I truly appreciate all of you and thank you for all your help even though I will not mention any ways in which you helped.  I love you.
THE END.


4
To my editors, to my agents, to my friends, to my family, thank you.  You are all an inspiration to me.  You've seen me through the good and the bad, the crazy and the why-isn't-she-in-a-straightjacket.  This book could not have been possible without every one of you, and I honestly care about all of you and would've thanked you even if my publisher did not require there be an Acknowledgments.


5
WAIT. THAT WASN'T THE BOOK? I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE BOOK.  THAT WAS THE ACKNOWLEDGMENTS? 
WHERE IS THE CASH REGISTER?






When I'm done with this, I just add up my total and divide it by three.  I eliminate all the ones below a seven unless there is a reason that I really want that specific book.  And if a book is a nine or ten, needless to say, I buy it.


So how about you guys? Am I the only one that does this? How do you choose which books are worth buying and which aren't?

Read ALL DA BOOKS

You know that feeling?  When you have absolutely NOTHING to read and you feel like crying because, really, who are you without a book in your hands? What are you supposed to do when you have free time? Where has your life gone?

I hate that feeling.  I think this is why I am determined to constantly have an available line of books waiting to be read.  I drag my parents to bookstores, pop in and out of the library every day, just to avoid said feeling.

I've now come to realize that there is another feeling, and while it is far less painful, it's still more than a little frustrating.  That feeling when you have SO MANY AWESOME BOOKS that you can read, that you either own or that are sitting all nice and pretty in the library, but you can't read them all at once, because you're not superhuman.  And you're like, "Well, maybe I should read this one first.  But no, no, I've heard that one is amazing.  That one too.  But look at that cover!  I know, but that description . . . "

And you find it hard to concentrate on one awesome book because you're just thinking about how great it'll be to read the other awesome books and your mind slowly starts to resemble that of a monkey on crack as it runs through a bookstore screaming, "BOOKS! BOOOOOOOOOOOOKS!"

Yeah. I have that feeling right now.